I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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