In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
