Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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