Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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