two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
