If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
