Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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