i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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