and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
