What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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