Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
