when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
