Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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