I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
