why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
