i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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