Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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