well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
