What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
