What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
