he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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