I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
