I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
