I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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