we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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