Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Your penis caused this!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
