I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Panties = found
Randomize
