TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
