you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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