New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
