i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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