you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
