I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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