I'm so fucking centered right now
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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