everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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