I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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