TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
