Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
