I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
