Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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