Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
