I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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