omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
