White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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