i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
organizing the empties. That sober.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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