I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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