If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
