Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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