I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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