he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
